Don’t judge my childhood, but the movie “Pretty Woman” starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere came to mind the other day. The movie was an iconic one for a whole bunch of reasons, many of whom are too many to name here. There were some JEWELS dropped in those scenes. Back in the 90’s when the internet wasn’t popping like that, we had to rely on VHS tapes for home entertainment. Which meant that we watched the same movies over and over and over. And over. We memorized the scenes. We regurgitated the lines with no real understanding of what we were watching in depth. With three rambunctious girls in her household, I’m sure my mom would shoot back whenever a family member questioned the content we were watching, “Well! They’re not arguing. And they’re quiet!”
“Pretty Woman” was one of those iconic movies of my younger days. I haven’t had a chance to do it yet, but when I watch the movie now as a grown woman it will be a completely different experience, I’m sure. Many of the scenes will also take on a completely different meaning. There are two scenes that spring to mind in particular. The first scene is where Vivian and Kit are standing out on the boulevard and Edward pulls up in the Lotus Esprit he borrowed from his lawyer, Stuckey. Kit suggests they get a pimp, Carlos, after Vivian laments how slow it is on the stroll that night. Kit tells Vivian that he “digs” her.
Vivian: Then, he’ll run our lives and take our money. No.
Kit: You’re right. We say who. We say when. We say how much.
Vivian: *pouts lips and nods definitively*
Tell it, Kit. Yessss MA’AM! Speak into my life twenty something-odd years later!
You say who. You say when. You say how much.
I say who. I say when. I say how much!
There are so many people who will try to impose upon you what they feel your standards SHOULD be. And they’ll have all kinds of STUPID reasons why that have nothing to do with reality. Some of it will even be based on unfounded stereotypes. As a black woman, don’t even get me started. Point is: I don’t listen to any of that shit. And neither should you. People around you may feel that no matter what, you’re asking for too much. No. Never! There’s no such thing. You want to know why? God is abundant. The Universe is abundant. And so are my requirements (for love and for my life) if I need them to be. And I will never apologize for that. Sorry, not sorry.
You say who. You say when. You say how much!
Let me break this down for you.
You say who….you deal with. You determine the standards upon which the people who you allow in your life must reach. Don’t lower them. No, no! Raise them up! As high as you can stand. Because just like little children who love to accomplish what we consider menial tasks and squeal with delight, “I did it! I did it!”, adults (as much as they may not admit it) operate in much the same way. People may run away from those standards and tell you that they’re too high. That’s fine. Those are the people YOU need to run YOUR ass away from. Don’t let anyone drag you down into the gutter and beat you with experience.
You say who….gets the benefit of your precious time. Lovely, you’re going to run into so many people who’s job in your life it is to be Captain Time-Waster, or SheTimeWaster, as life may have it. It’s cool. But let those people go on about their business. Time is a limited resource you have. Once you run out, there’s no truck that will bring you more. Don’t allow people to get you off track and lead you down an unfamiliar path just to bullshit and waste time while your dreams and goals fizzle out. You’ll turn around one day, years will have elapsed and your guide/companion will have disappeared. They’ll be back up on the high road traipsing off to their destiny while you’re stuck down in the crappy valley because you weren’t paying attention to how you got down there….you were too busy running your mouth and playing around.
You say when….your life happens and moves forward. Don’t feel obligated to wait on anyone to “get their act together” before you determine whether they can rock with you or not. Don’t entertain the “Hey, wait for me!”s. Time waits for no man. Not even your special, wonderful, awesome little self! No, no, mi vida. Don’t let anyone put you on “pause”. 9 times out of 10, it’s not even a good freaking reason why, either. Let them catch up. Don’t break your stride. If a thing is at rest, it remains at rest. It takes more energy to start it moving again than to continue motion that’s already…. in motion. You see? So, that’s to say, if you’re already moving, keep moving forward and don’t stop. Let everyone figure out how to make it where you’re going. They may try to act mad because you didn’t wait for them once they finally catch up. I promise you, that’s not your job, though. They’ll live.
You say when….you’re ready to stop. Don’t ever feel like you have to continue being faithful to a mistake just because you made it a long time ago. Stop punishing yourself. You also don’t have to be faithful to a mistake because you’ve been down IN the mistake for so long. At any point in time, you can stop and reverse course. You don’t have to carry on with a relationship out of guilt or obligation just because you’ve been in said relationship forever. Yes, there’s definitely VALue in longevity. But there’s no HONOR in it if you’ve been miserable since 1433, walking around with a cracked face all of the time because of sheer misery. Don’t continue on, cariño. Drop it like it’s hot and move on to bigger and better things.
You say how much….. you’re to be compensated for your work, gifts and talents. I hate to use a movie partly about prostitution to motivate you, but hey. It’s RELEVANT. I used to get the sob stories in my inboxes all the time (I fixed all of that) of people telling me they would “support” “if I were cheaper”. Umm. Tell me something I DON’T know. Well, I’m sorry. Today doesn’t happen to be your lucky day, buddy. I’m priced as such because of three factors: I have over 100 great testimonials (valrichinfinity.com/testimonials) that I busted my ass to get, the high level of customer service I offer and my high level of accuracy is unparalleled. Since those inputs aren’t changing anytime soon, neither are the prices. If anything, as time goes on, they’ll go up. Defining my VALue had always been very difficult for me until now. I’m not going to lie. I let society in a lot of ways drive my lack of value in myself. The line Mister (played by Danny Glover) said in one of my favorite movies and books, “The Color Purple” comes to mind and used to sting in an incredibly painful way…..
Mister: LOOK atcha…..you’re black. You’re ugly. You’re a WOMAN. You’re nothing AT ALL!
Yeahhhhh. That line is seared in my brain. Because for many years I had internalized it. I used to feel all of that very deeply. Not so terribly the ugly part. But, in some ways, yes, because when people say “black” they do absolutely mean….”ugly”. And they can all catch these middle fingers.
I grew up in the 80’s. I was too much of everything for a little black girl. Too tall, too big. Too developed. Too dark. My feet were too big. I was too smart. My hair was too short. My voice was too deep. I spoke too well. My lips and butt were too big. I looked too grown for my age. I was too quiet. I was too articulate. And it was ALL too goddamned much. Thank Goodness for the ability to repair my own self-esteem. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. I don’t play those low-self esteem games anymore. I know what I’m worth and that’s what it is, whomever be damned.
Because I repaired my self-esteem, it made it much easier on myself TO determine exactly what I was and AM worth right now. I stick to that, no matter what and I don’t waiver. Someone who can’t afford my worth is not my problem. My gifts and talents have tremendous VALue in the marketplace. I don’t shrink from that. Ever.
You say how much…. you’re willing to take before you bounce out. And yes, you can change your mind. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. When dealing with matters of the heart, an explanation is certainly “nice”, but don’t get it twisted. You may not get one. Such as life. No one gets to define that “breaking point” for you and don’t you dare let them. No one defines your “limit”. That’s wholly your job.
The second scene of the movie “Pretty Woman” I want to highlight is the part where they’ve returned from the polo match. Vivian and Edward are arguing because he tried her life to the fullest in telling Stuckey, after his incessant PRYING, that she was a prostitute. He then went about trying to downplay it when he clearly broke her trust. As they were arguing she began to stammer angrily and said, “I say WHO…. I say what….. I say…. WHO!”
I highlight this part for two reasons. First, she said that in part as a coping mechanism to rebuff the slight suffered from him. She was in love with him by this point. Even though she was tough as nails, she let herself be vulnerable. And authentic. That ALWAYS pays dividends. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Second, even while feeling her most angry, she remembered her autonomy in the situation; enough to verbalize it at that moment. Despite her love for him and the lavish lifestyle he introduced her to, she could stay or walk away from it all. No matter what, though, she was going to stand up for herself because she STILL said…..who, when and how much.
Repeat it to yourself as many times as you need to.
From Now Until Infinity,
